On Living Modern Life Well

My first column for Metro magazine published this week! It will be a series on living modern life well and decoding our digital lives. The first topic I've tackled is Facebook.

I've answered two bonus questions that will run only here below. Enjoy!

Betsy Kroon (@betsykroon) writes: After a friend wrote something hurtful, without naming me but that I think was clearly about me, I'm wondering what is the best way to address passive aggressive statements on Facebook? Is there a best practice for such situations? It really stung.

Nothing stops a passive aggressor in their tracks more than confrontation. Whether you choose to that publicly or privately is your call. (My choice? Privately.) Write honestly, without accusing, and use words describing how you felt when you read it. First find out if it was about you. Ask, am I mistaken? Or was that about me? And if they fess up, let them know you wish they would've talked to you about it more directly (if that's true). Apologize, letting them know you're sorry that they were offended, explain yourself (if you see fit). Calling people on things, I've witnessed, is an amazing personal growth catalyst. Since I've used this method, I've developed much stronger relationships and in some cases, moved on from ones that were no longer working. Either way, a forward moving result.

Conner McCall (@sloped) asked: What would you say is a reasonable amount of time to wait to friend someone you've started dating? I've had friends that add people after a first date, and that just seems crazy. But many people thought I was nuts for recently waiting 8 months.

I'm with you, Conner. I think that waiting is the right choice. I'm in the old school camp of dating, leaning towards taking your time in every direction. There are so many wonderful moments of discovery when you are first dating someone and Facebook can easily squash that, dumping all the details about a person's life is one virtual sitting. I'd say a minimum of 3-6 months is a good start, within which you will likely know if there's the possibility of longevity in the relationship. Waiting also eliminates the dreaded task of having to unfriend them shortly there after should it not work out. That isn't to say that no relationship can end in friendship, just a way to slow things down a bit and make sure.

This.

On Tuesday this week I posted to Twitter, as I do on occasion, my thoughts on a certain practice — putting "This." before a RT when you agree with something. I heard back from over 100 people, largely in agreement, that it was tired. It was a mostly hilarious exchange that had me giggling all morning. There were some that did not agree, which I expect as well. Encourage, in fact. In my head it was posed as a question, Could we stop doing this?, fully expecting some people to say no. Or argue why they really liked it and thought it was effective. No one really did.

Some were offended and thought I was scolding people for how they use Twitter. I see how someone who used "This" could feel put off. But, by saying so, they were scolding me for how I use Twitter. Funny how that works. We should use our accounts how we choose. Like cats? Cat it up! Love running? Show us your new shoes! Music nerd? Inform us! Like 'This'? Use it. By all means. I'm a writer and wordsmith with opinions about and love for communication and grammar and practices, so, I post about that on occasion. I value what each and every one of the people I follow have to contribute. I think it's amazing to have such a resource of knowledgeable people at my fingertips.

The bigger point here is this: Using Twitter is optional. It's voluntary. It's free. Use your tools better. (Thanks for that line, @nylons!) If I don't like the things someone posts consistently, I unfollow them. If I don't like what someone posts occasionally, I ignore it. Scroll right over. All the time.

Now, I hadn't seen anyone do 'this' (rim shot) particular thing that morning, but it was something that was all over my feed the day prior. I'd hoped the "This" trend would trail off. The reason behind that? It doesn't add anything. It is someone else's thoughts with a throwaway word in front of them. Does it matter too much? Nah. I said it because:

I wanted to see change, so I created it.

I just hope at some point to get 100+ responses about something that really matters. I'll do my part to make sure it happens.

I Said No, Damn It

When did we lose our ability to say no? We need to get it back. Quick like. I'll admit, I'd lost mine for a while there. I gained it back recently, in spades, while going through a life-changing year. I like to think the number of requests won't lessen and also that saying no will allow someone else to say yes. Maybe? Hopefully. I'm also pretty sure that saying no ties in directly to defining your values and knowing what you want your story to be. I defined what I value recently, here's an excerpt:

Calm — good sleep, regular yoga, drama-free relationships, being organized, managing “noise”

Tradition — making things from scratch from my Grandmother’s recipes, carrying on special family practices, recalling my parents’ values and deciding which ones I would carry on

Honesty — honoring commitments, being on time, being kind & clear in difficult situations, clearly stating my needs

Happiness — simple, brilliant, child-like happiness: music, finding beauty, dancing (I love to dance), laughing, being curious, helping people succeed

Stability — well-managed finances, routines, stocked cupboards, feeling prepared, the basics

Community — solid and supportive friendships, working family relationships, donating time and funds selflessly to those who are struggling, spending money locally

Making a list like this helps you say no because you know what to say yes to. It might be hard at first, so take a little time, make sure you feel comfy there. Learn how to do it gently. Stop, wait, take a moment if you need to, get back to the person. Also: reject the idea that you need a lengthy explanation. Be as brief as possible. Have you ever sat through a lengthy explanation; a break up talk; someone clearly lying? It's the WORST. Let's not do that anymore, okay? It's amazing how, over time, you'll see a decrease in requests for things you don't want to do. It's because you've shown people what you're about, what you want in your life, and what you don't. Clear as a bell.

Here's the play-by-play:

1) Figure out what you want in your life story and say yes to it.

2) Say no to the other stuff. With brevity.

3) Have more time to do the things you want, more space in your brain, and heaps of happiness.

Simple, right? If something's not for you, say so. I give you permission. Now give it to yourself.