On Living Modern Life Well

This week in my METRO Magazine column, I write about drawing lines in the social sand or "How To Deflect a Friend Request From Your Prying Coworker." In addition to being an exercise to reflect on how I come to my decisons of who to add where, it became an audit system. In the spirit of being a good model of my advice, I unfollowed nearly 500 people on Twitter whose posts had no value to me and have been subtracting people from Facebook that I added before my "personal friends" only rule went into effect (so far, around 25 people). It's refreshing. Less to skip over, and I'm seeing more posts I want to. I give you permission to do the same!

BONUS QUESTIONS!

Reader Lucie Amundsen asked me last week how I deal with the people who post those '99% of you won't repost this' chain-mail type messages on Facebook. Usually, I scroll right by. It's the strangest phenomenon, I think. If you're passionate about a subject, just post a personal message about it. Try to avoid ever duplicating a post, if possible. It's like paging through the paper to find they've inserted the same article five times. At least Facebook groups duplicate posts now and lists the names of friends who posted it, which is helpful. If you have someone who posts these types of things frequently, I say unsubscribe. It's a very good tool to keep your news feed full of only what you wish to read. People who post these things: STOP. Please? We want to read your words.

On adding coworkers: A reader, who chooses to remain anonymous, told me about her system for new coworkers: if they make her laugh five times after having lunch with them and enjoying their company, she'll consider adding them. I like it! Why not? Another noted that adding coworkers on social networks sure makes it hard to gripe anonymously about them. While I don't have coworkers in the traditional sense, I can bet the pressure to add could be tricky. It should be noted that griping online is rarely, maybe never, encouraged. Answer the questions I lay out in the column to help you determine who to add, and when.

Is there a way that you do it or you've heard of that works particularly well? Please share it with us below.

Ask Clever Kate more questions on her Facebook page.

On Living Modern Life Well

My first column for Metro magazine published this week! It will be a series on living modern life well and decoding our digital lives. The first topic I've tackled is Facebook.

I've answered two bonus questions that will run only here below. Enjoy!

Betsy Kroon (@betsykroon) writes: After a friend wrote something hurtful, without naming me but that I think was clearly about me, I'm wondering what is the best way to address passive aggressive statements on Facebook? Is there a best practice for such situations? It really stung.

Nothing stops a passive aggressor in their tracks more than confrontation. Whether you choose to that publicly or privately is your call. (My choice? Privately.) Write honestly, without accusing, and use words describing how you felt when you read it. First find out if it was about you. Ask, am I mistaken? Or was that about me? And if they fess up, let them know you wish they would've talked to you about it more directly (if that's true). Apologize, letting them know you're sorry that they were offended, explain yourself (if you see fit). Calling people on things, I've witnessed, is an amazing personal growth catalyst. Since I've used this method, I've developed much stronger relationships and in some cases, moved on from ones that were no longer working. Either way, a forward moving result.

Conner McCall (@sloped) asked: What would you say is a reasonable amount of time to wait to friend someone you've started dating? I've had friends that add people after a first date, and that just seems crazy. But many people thought I was nuts for recently waiting 8 months.

I'm with you, Conner. I think that waiting is the right choice. I'm in the old school camp of dating, leaning towards taking your time in every direction. There are so many wonderful moments of discovery when you are first dating someone and Facebook can easily squash that, dumping all the details about a person's life is one virtual sitting. I'd say a minimum of 3-6 months is a good start, within which you will likely know if there's the possibility of longevity in the relationship. Waiting also eliminates the dreaded task of having to unfriend them shortly there after should it not work out. That isn't to say that no relationship can end in friendship, just a way to slow things down a bit and make sure.

Not Your Average Year-End List

I was certain I wanted different things in my life. I thought immediately a good place to start was trying to figure out what I wanted to do in a couple of years when these darling boys of mine were both in school full time. This was a little over a year ago. I for sure wanted to continue staying home with them and know I'm really bad at 9-5. I started patch-working together my favorite things to do and things at which I know I excel. I hosted a couple of art shows, started volunteering for orgs I admired, did a little values check, and when it was clear there was a market for what I was doing, and that I wanted this, I went for it. Little did I know that it would explode into something this big: a feature film, a column, lots of travel, national and international projects, hell—a paycheck. Many say my business seems older than a year, something I undoubtedly love to hear. Essentially every part of my life has been overturned because of this major change and I was forced to adapt in an accelerated period of time. Instead of resist these changes, which would have been easier, I dove in head first to every opportunity I was handed; examined everything. In short order, I was able to see clearly through walls that were put up in front of me. Here's some of what I learned in the process:

To tell the truth, and well. First to myself, and then to others. I just started telling the truth. And did so kindly. The people who should still be in my life, are.

To be happy while idle. Good god this took me a while. In Italian it is "dolce far niente" which translated is sweetness of nothing. Best ever.

How to say "No" or "I'll get back to you" without an ounce of explanation. And that doing this causes a immediate respect that saying yes without hesitation does not.

That I live for the simplest of satisfactions. Please see: Amelie.

How to handle hard & rude questions with grace and class.

How to be truly vulernable. And that it's the only way to love and be loved fully. My flaws are completely on display. Please see: telling the truth.

Not everyone likes me—and—how completely cool I am with that. Some people are meant for me and some are not. Cynics, specifically, have a very distinct disdain for me. But what DO they like? That stuff is theirs, not mine.

That I posses a freakish amount of influence, totally unbeknownst to me. (I'm not intending to toot my own horn here. I see my stats, read my comments, get all the emails, pitches, and requests.) Seriously didn't have a clue. It startled me! Now that I am aware, I use my powers for good.

That, uncoincidentally, the happiest people I know are also the people I know to take the most risk. When I needed a boost, I modeled them. Didn't feel as scary.

That procrastination and indecisiveness are, quite simply, fear. And although I am empathic, I have a low tolerance all three in other people. (Ouch. I know.)

Sleep. I need plenty of it. My brain is a sloth and my skin hurts without enough and that is simply not for me.

To pack (well) for a week-long trip in 20 minutes. I am a professional traveler and it rocks.

That I am a not an super extrovert like I've always believed, I'm more of a centrovert. I need downtime and I need to be alone. And that this misdirected self-definition explains A LOT of the unhappiness of my twenties.

And last but certainly not least:

That doing the right thing once isn't amazing. But doing the right thing consistently over time adds up to something amazing: a good life.

Whew! That's enough for today. Feel free to use all or part of my experience as you see fit to inspire the change you want in your life. Now, tell me what you learned this year.