On Living Modern Life Well

My first column for Metro magazine published this week! It will be a series on living modern life well and decoding our digital lives. The first topic I've tackled is Facebook.

I've answered two bonus questions that will run only here below. Enjoy!

Betsy Kroon (@betsykroon) writes: After a friend wrote something hurtful, without naming me but that I think was clearly about me, I'm wondering what is the best way to address passive aggressive statements on Facebook? Is there a best practice for such situations? It really stung.

Nothing stops a passive aggressor in their tracks more than confrontation. Whether you choose to that publicly or privately is your call. (My choice? Privately.) Write honestly, without accusing, and use words describing how you felt when you read it. First find out if it was about you. Ask, am I mistaken? Or was that about me? And if they fess up, let them know you wish they would've talked to you about it more directly (if that's true). Apologize, letting them know you're sorry that they were offended, explain yourself (if you see fit). Calling people on things, I've witnessed, is an amazing personal growth catalyst. Since I've used this method, I've developed much stronger relationships and in some cases, moved on from ones that were no longer working. Either way, a forward moving result.

Conner McCall (@sloped) asked: What would you say is a reasonable amount of time to wait to friend someone you've started dating? I've had friends that add people after a first date, and that just seems crazy. But many people thought I was nuts for recently waiting 8 months.

I'm with you, Conner. I think that waiting is the right choice. I'm in the old school camp of dating, leaning towards taking your time in every direction. There are so many wonderful moments of discovery when you are first dating someone and Facebook can easily squash that, dumping all the details about a person's life is one virtual sitting. I'd say a minimum of 3-6 months is a good start, within which you will likely know if there's the possibility of longevity in the relationship. Waiting also eliminates the dreaded task of having to unfriend them shortly there after should it not work out. That isn't to say that no relationship can end in friendship, just a way to slow things down a bit and make sure.

This.

On Tuesday this week I posted to Twitter, as I do on occasion, my thoughts on a certain practice — putting "This." before a RT when you agree with something. I heard back from over 100 people, largely in agreement, that it was tired. It was a mostly hilarious exchange that had me giggling all morning. There were some that did not agree, which I expect as well. Encourage, in fact. In my head it was posed as a question, Could we stop doing this?, fully expecting some people to say no. Or argue why they really liked it and thought it was effective. No one really did.

Some were offended and thought I was scolding people for how they use Twitter. I see how someone who used "This" could feel put off. But, by saying so, they were scolding me for how I use Twitter. Funny how that works. We should use our accounts how we choose. Like cats? Cat it up! Love running? Show us your new shoes! Music nerd? Inform us! Like 'This'? Use it. By all means. I'm a writer and wordsmith with opinions about and love for communication and grammar and practices, so, I post about that on occasion. I value what each and every one of the people I follow have to contribute. I think it's amazing to have such a resource of knowledgeable people at my fingertips.

The bigger point here is this: Using Twitter is optional. It's voluntary. It's free. Use your tools better. (Thanks for that line, @nylons!) If I don't like the things someone posts consistently, I unfollow them. If I don't like what someone posts occasionally, I ignore it. Scroll right over. All the time.

Now, I hadn't seen anyone do 'this' (rim shot) particular thing that morning, but it was something that was all over my feed the day prior. I'd hoped the "This" trend would trail off. The reason behind that? It doesn't add anything. It is someone else's thoughts with a throwaway word in front of them. Does it matter too much? Nah. I said it because:

I wanted to see change, so I created it.

I just hope at some point to get 100+ responses about something that really matters. I'll do my part to make sure it happens.

Not Your Average Year-End List

I was certain I wanted different things in my life. I thought immediately a good place to start was trying to figure out what I wanted to do in a couple of years when these darling boys of mine were both in school full time. This was a little over a year ago. I for sure wanted to continue staying home with them and know I'm really bad at 9-5. I started patch-working together my favorite things to do and things at which I know I excel. I hosted a couple of art shows, started volunteering for orgs I admired, did a little values check, and when it was clear there was a market for what I was doing, and that I wanted this, I went for it. Little did I know that it would explode into something this big: a feature film, a column, lots of travel, national and international projects, hell—a paycheck. Many say my business seems older than a year, something I undoubtedly love to hear. Essentially every part of my life has been overturned because of this major change and I was forced to adapt in an accelerated period of time. Instead of resist these changes, which would have been easier, I dove in head first to every opportunity I was handed; examined everything. In short order, I was able to see clearly through walls that were put up in front of me. Here's some of what I learned in the process:

To tell the truth, and well. First to myself, and then to others. I just started telling the truth. And did so kindly. The people who should still be in my life, are.

To be happy while idle. Good god this took me a while. In Italian it is "dolce far niente" which translated is sweetness of nothing. Best ever.

How to say "No" or "I'll get back to you" without an ounce of explanation. And that doing this causes a immediate respect that saying yes without hesitation does not.

That I live for the simplest of satisfactions. Please see: Amelie.

How to handle hard & rude questions with grace and class.

How to be truly vulernable. And that it's the only way to love and be loved fully. My flaws are completely on display. Please see: telling the truth.

Not everyone likes me—and—how completely cool I am with that. Some people are meant for me and some are not. Cynics, specifically, have a very distinct disdain for me. But what DO they like? That stuff is theirs, not mine.

That I posses a freakish amount of influence, totally unbeknownst to me. (I'm not intending to toot my own horn here. I see my stats, read my comments, get all the emails, pitches, and requests.) Seriously didn't have a clue. It startled me! Now that I am aware, I use my powers for good.

That, uncoincidentally, the happiest people I know are also the people I know to take the most risk. When I needed a boost, I modeled them. Didn't feel as scary.

That procrastination and indecisiveness are, quite simply, fear. And although I am empathic, I have a low tolerance all three in other people. (Ouch. I know.)

Sleep. I need plenty of it. My brain is a sloth and my skin hurts without enough and that is simply not for me.

To pack (well) for a week-long trip in 20 minutes. I am a professional traveler and it rocks.

That I am a not an super extrovert like I've always believed, I'm more of a centrovert. I need downtime and I need to be alone. And that this misdirected self-definition explains A LOT of the unhappiness of my twenties.

And last but certainly not least:

That doing the right thing once isn't amazing. But doing the right thing consistently over time adds up to something amazing: a good life.

Whew! That's enough for today. Feel free to use all or part of my experience as you see fit to inspire the change you want in your life. Now, tell me what you learned this year.