I Said No, Damn It

When did we lose our ability to say no? We need to get it back. Quick like. I'll admit, I'd lost mine for a while there. I gained it back recently, in spades, while going through a life-changing year. I like to think the number of requests won't lessen and also that saying no will allow someone else to say yes. Maybe? Hopefully. I'm also pretty sure that saying no ties in directly to defining your values and knowing what you want your story to be. I defined what I value recently, here's an excerpt:

Calm — good sleep, regular yoga, drama-free relationships, being organized, managing “noise”

Tradition — making things from scratch from my Grandmother’s recipes, carrying on special family practices, recalling my parents’ values and deciding which ones I would carry on

Honesty — honoring commitments, being on time, being kind & clear in difficult situations, clearly stating my needs

Happiness — simple, brilliant, child-like happiness: music, finding beauty, dancing (I love to dance), laughing, being curious, helping people succeed

Stability — well-managed finances, routines, stocked cupboards, feeling prepared, the basics

Community — solid and supportive friendships, working family relationships, donating time and funds selflessly to those who are struggling, spending money locally

Making a list like this helps you say no because you know what to say yes to. It might be hard at first, so take a little time, make sure you feel comfy there. Learn how to do it gently. Stop, wait, take a moment if you need to, get back to the person. Also: reject the idea that you need a lengthy explanation. Be as brief as possible. Have you ever sat through a lengthy explanation; a break up talk; someone clearly lying? It's the WORST. Let's not do that anymore, okay? It's amazing how, over time, you'll see a decrease in requests for things you don't want to do. It's because you've shown people what you're about, what you want in your life, and what you don't. Clear as a bell.

Here's the play-by-play:

1) Figure out what you want in your life story and say yes to it.

2) Say no to the other stuff. With brevity.

3) Have more time to do the things you want, more space in your brain, and heaps of happiness.

Simple, right? If something's not for you, say so. I give you permission. Now give it to yourself.

Be Nice

I'm pretty nice. I like to meet people and am usually the first person to introduce myself and others  I've experienced mean girls but definitely wasn't ever one of them. Before quite recently, however, it was a different kind of nice. Before it was the kind of nice that is exceedingly polite; that pleases people. This is commonly known where I am from as "Minnesota Nice."  Last fall, to the mix of my already full life, I added the start up of CleverKate. Through a flurry of first-time client coffees and partnership lunches,  networking events, and meetings to set up all the systems you need to run a successful business I would estimate that I've met as many as 500 new people in six months. That's a nice little case study!  By my casual but careful (and sometimes startling) observation,  I have learned (quickly) that Minnesota nice simply isn't sustainable in my adult life. And, that it's actually exhausting. So, I did a little simple math to subtract this inauthentic nice from the equation. I have this saying that I use a lot, a motto of sorts, that goes like this: be honest but not unkind.

When approached with a difficult question or situation, I try to take a moment and think before answering or reacting, then do so with the person's feelings in mind. It got me thinking that it is kind of out of my control, and sometimes, you can't help what will seem unkind.  It's not possible to gauge how people will react, but it is possible to be thoughtful and to take the time to assess the situation, surroundings, and consider the person you're talking to before you blurt out something hurtful.

Armed with my admittedly casual but helpful case study and my values intact (not to mention my grown-up pants),  I've slowly grown out of being this (over) polite kind of nice. People have noticed the adjustment, sometimes uncomfortably. But the thing is:  I'm proud of it. I'll tell you why. While I am still working on the right balance (suspect I always will be), I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm in the moment and people have noticed that too. I'm being rewarded for this change I've made with closer and more genuine relationships with friends and family, clients that better fit my goals and spirit, and reinforcement that I'm doing things well from the feedback I receive. I'm surrounded by people who know who I am, where I'm coming from, and what I stand for. People who stand up for me.

I hope you'll help me and others by sharing what you know about this delicate subject of being nice.