I’m a freelance publicist and producer for creatives and entrepreneurs. I work with some of the most talented and innovative people in the world. I get to travel for work! When I’m not traveling, I mostly work in a hoodie and yoga pants. I work whenever I want, wherever I want. I am, quite literally, living my dream.

You know how I got this job? I made it up. I patchworked together my favorite things to do, what I know I’m good at, and called it a thing. I filed for LLC, made a website, and started. I had lots of people tell me I couldn’t do that. But I didn’t listen. Why? Because the people who were cheering for me were louder.

How did I get to this place? I realized a few years ago after staying at home with my boys for the five years prior that I just had this one time around. Maybe it was witnessing their daily joy, maybe it was coming out of the fog of the early stages of parenting, maybe it was the sleep deprivation. Probably a combination of those factors and others. There it was, clear as a bell: THIS IS IT. Now is the time. You are the one.

In this time I also realized that I was part of a dysfunctional marriage that was broken beyond repair. I could no longer show the boys how to be married to their dad well. I could, however, show them how to be solely happy; how to be happy alone. Which, if you think about it, may be the most important skill we ever learn. I could show them how to work hard, be honest, and build something from the ground up. I could show them that women are leaders. This will be my legacy. And I can’t think of anything better.

THIS IS IT. Now is the time. You are the one.

When they asked me to do this guest post, I wasn’t quite sure if they wanted me to do a PR tips list, or what, so I went to their website to see what others had written and found that the space where they put these articles is called “Inspiration”. I’ve told this exact story at least 1000 times in person but had never written it down. Decided it was time, and here’s the result. This is far better than any PR tips list in the inspiration category. We just get this one time around and every move we make; word we say counts. I hope you can find a way to get unstuck if you are. Tell the truth, especially to yourself. I wish you heaps of courage.

If you liked this article, you might also want to check out this list I made about knowing yourself better.

BONUS QUESTIONS!

Reader Lucie Amundsen asked me last week how I deal with the people who post those ’99% of you won’t repost this’ chain-mail type messages on Facebook. Usually, I scroll right by. It’s the strangest phenomenon, I think. If you’re passionate about a subject, just post a personal message about it. Try to avoid ever duplicating a post, if possible. It’s like paging through the paper to find they’ve inserted the same article five times. At least Facebook groups duplicate posts now and lists the names of friends who posted it, which is helpful. If you have someone who posts these types of things frequently, I say unsubscribe. It’s a very good tool to keep your news feed full of only what you wish to read. People who post these things: STOP. Please? We want to read your words.

On adding coworkers: A reader, who chooses to remain anonymous, told me about her system for new coworkers: if they make her laugh five times after having lunch with them and enjoying their company, she’ll consider adding them. I like it! Why not? Another noted that adding coworkers on social networks sure makes it hard to gripe anonymously about them. While I don’t have coworkers in the traditional sense, I can bet the pressure to add could be tricky. It should be noted that griping online is rarely, maybe never, encouraged. Answer the questions I lay out in the column to help you determine who to add, and when.

Is there a way that you do it or you’ve heard of that works particularly well? Please share it with us below.

In addition to the column, I will do podcasts, videos, and a bimonthly Twitter chat on Wednesdays called Ask Clever Kate, under the hashtag #askck. If you’re not on Twitter, no worries, I’ll post the highlights from the Twitter chats here and on my Facebook page.

Living Modern Life Well will run every other Tuesday. If you have a question or topic idea, please email me: kate.oreilly@tigeroak.com or find me here on Facebook or on Twitter @cleverkate.

Recently, I had a woman starting a new blog ask if she could pay me for a couple of hours of my time, knowing she couldn’t afford my monthly retainer, but dead set that I was the person she needed to talk to. In a move that startled me, I agreed. We met, she paid for lunch, and I used my Square card reader to charge her at the end of the meeting. She was satisfied, and so was I. I love helping people, I’m good at what I do, and it gives me so much energy. But: this is not a hobby. I have a mortgage. And children.

So, with this I am announcing that I am now available for these appointments. The appointments are affordable and you’ll leave with a newly formed, clearer path of where you’re headed and a ton of information about how to do what you’re doing well, or better. Are you stuck? Have a project that you need some help getting off the ground? Do you have a website but no content? Want me to focus some attention on your show/app/new site? Want to figure out what the next step is in your career? Need a bio? Do you have an idea that you don’t know whether or not it has potential? See the list I made of how I can help you here.

I will start by offering two appointments per week, two hours each. If you feel like one isn’t enough, book two. Snatch one up, because they’re booking fast already by word of mouth.

I’m excited.

If you’d like to talk more about how much they cost and when we can get started, please email me directly and I’ll get back to you ASAP: kate@clever-kate.com, or see here.

If you liked this post, you might also like this one about Why My Life Doesn’t Suck.

Featured image: EyeSpy Photography

In addition to the column, I will do podcasts, vidcasts, and a bimonthly Twitter chat on Wednesdays called Ask Clever Kate, under the hashtag #askck. If you’re not on Twitter, no worries, I’ll post the highlights from the Twitter chats here and on my Facebook page.

I’ve answered two bonus questions that will run only here below. Enjoy!

Some were offended and thought I was scolding people for how they use Twitter. I see how someone who used “This” could feel put off. But, by saying so, they were scolding me for how I use Twitter. Funny how that works. We should use our accounts how we choose. Like cats? Cat it up! Love running? Show us your new shoes! Music nerd? Inform us! Like ‘This’? Use it. By all means. I’m a writer and wordsmith with opinions about and love for communication and grammar and practices, so, I post about that on occasion. I value what each and every one of the people I follow have to contribute. I think it’s amazing to have such a resource of knowledgeable people at my fingertips.

The bigger point here is this: Using Twitter is optional. It’s voluntary. It’s free. Use your tools better. (Thanks for that line, @nylons!) If I don’t like the things someone posts consistently, I unfollow them. If I don’t like what someone posts occasionally, I ignore it. Scroll right over. All the time.

Now, I hadn’t seen anyone do ‘this’ (rim shot) particular thing that morning, but it was something that was all over my feed the day prior. I’d hoped the “This” trend would trail off. The reason behind that? It doesn’t add anything. It is someone else’s thoughts with a throwaway word in front of them. Does it matter too much? Nah. I said it because:

I wanted to see change, so I created it.

I just hope at some point to get 100+ responses about something that really matters. I’ll do my part to make sure it happens.

Now. Show me your cute sleepy cat.

I’ll admit, I’d lost mine for a while there. I gained it back recently, in spades, while going through a life-changing year. I like to think the number of requests won’t lessen and also that saying no will allow someone else to say yes. Maybe? Hopefully. I’m also pretty sure that saying no ties in directly to defining your values; knowing what you want your story to be. I defined what I value recently, here’s an excerpt:

Calm — good sleep, regular yoga, drama-free relationships, being organized, managing “noise”

Tradition — making things from scratch from my Grandmother’s recipes, carrying on special family practices, recalling my parents’ values and deciding which ones I would carry on

Honesty — honoring commitments, being on time, being kind & clear in difficult situations, clearly stating my needs

Happiness — simple, brilliant, child-like happiness: music, finding beauty, dancing (I love to dance), laughing, being curious, helping people succeed

Stability — well-managed finances, routines, stocked cupboards, feeling prepared, the basics

Community — solid and supportive friendships, working family relationships, donating time and funds selflessly to those who are struggling, spending money locally

Making a list like this helps you say no because you know what to say yes to. It might be hard at first, so take a little time, make sure you feel comfy there. Learn how to do it gently. Stop, wait, take a moment if you need to, get back to the person. Also: reject the idea that you need a lengthy explanation. Be as brief as possible. Have you ever sat through a lengthy explanation; a break up talk; someone clearly lying? It’s the WORST. Let’s not do that anymore, okay? It’s amazing how, over time, you’ll see a decrease in requests for things you don’t want to do. It’s because you’ve shown people what you’re about, what you want in your life, and what you don’t. Clear as a bell.

Here’s the play-by-play:

1) Figure out what you want in your life story and say yes to it.

2) Say no to the other stuff.  With brevity.

3) Have more time to do the things you want. And more happiness.

Simple, right? If something’s not for you, say so. I give you permission. Now give it to yourself.

So, if change is that common—a part of our daily lives really—that makes me wonder… why the hell is it so disarming? A healthy dose of adjustment is necessary and appropriate, of course. But why so fret-inducing; so disruptive? Here’s what I think:

I think it’s because we rely on other people and outside things too much to provide us with our security and happiness. Relationships, technology, jobs, media, hell—coffee shops! All of it can change or go away at any time without warning. Forget can: It Will. I think we need to do the work and figure out how to be solely happy. And I think the answer lies in taking it all away. I have an idea: try the little plan I lay out for you next for anything that when you think about it going away, you panic. Plan for the worst; at least travel there in your brain. What if you lost your job tomorrow? Car accident that left your vehicle out of commission. Whatever gives you the most anxiety. It’s going to be very uncomfortable and this is a good thing. Stop and pause there, ask yourself these questions: How do I feel? What’s my backup plan? What can I do to make this better? When you’re content and settled in that space and have answers to those questions, you’re wholly more prepared for what life throws you next.

The ability to handle change with ease is an admirable quality. Wouldn’t it be calming and satisfying to list it as one of yours?

I wrote here about Why My Life Doesn’t Suck

Many say my business seems older than a year, something I undoubtedly love to hear. Essentially every part of my life has been overturned because of this major change and I was forced to adapt in an accelerated period of time. Instead of resist these changes, which would have been easier, I dove in head first to every opportunity I was handed; examined everything. In short order, I was able to see clearly through walls that were put up in front of me. Here’s some of what I learned in the process:

To tell the truth, and well. First to myself, and then to others. I just started telling the truth. And did so kindly. The people who should still be in my life, are.

To be happy while idle. Good god this took me a while. In Italian it is “dolce far niente” which translated is sweetness of nothing. Best ever.

How to say “No” or “I’ll get back to you” without an ounce of explanation. And that doing this causes a immediate respect that saying yes without hesitation does not.

That I live for the simplest of satisfactions. Please see: Amelie.

How to handle hard & rude questions with grace and class.

How to be truly vulernable. And that it’s the only way to love and be loved fully. My flaws are completely on display. Please see: telling the truth.

Not everyone likes me—and—how completely cool I am with that. Some people are meant for me and some are not. Cynics, specifically, have a very distinct disdain for me. But what DO they like? That stuff is theirs, not mine.

That I posses a freakish amount of influence, totally unbeknownst to me. (I’m not intending to toot my own horn here. I see my stats, read my comments, get all the emails, pitches, and requests.) Seriously didn’t have a clue. It startled me! Now that I am aware, I use my powers for good.

That, uncoincidentally, the happiest people I know are also the people I know to take the most risk. When I needed a boost, I modeled them. Didn’t feel as scary.

That procrastination and indecisiveness are, quite simply, fear. And although I am empathic, I have a low tolerance all three in other people. (Ouch. I know.)

Sleep. I need plenty of it. My brain is a sloth and my skin hurts without enough and that is simply not for me.

To pack (well) for a week-long trip in 20 minutes. I am a professional traveler and it rocks.

That I am a not an super extrovert like I’ve always believed, I’m more of a centrovert. I need downtime and I need to be alone. And that this misdirected self-definition explains A LOT of the unhappiness of my twenties.

And last but certainly not least:

That doing the right thing once isn’t amazing. But doing the right thing consistently over time adds up to something amazing: a good life.

Whew! That’s enough for today. Feel free to use all or part of my experience as you see fit to inspire the change you want in your life. Now, tell me what you learned this year.

I think of the balancing act I pull off as an octagonal scale similar to the octopus ride at the fair. Seriously. One side slightly up, the other side slightly down, and although it looks damn close sometimes, nothing ever hits the ground. I give fully or not at all, it’s my nature, and as long as I keep in tune with each part, listen, observe results, and check in, I’m able keep it so nothing is ever compromised.

I’m starting way back, but I’ll get there if you go along with me. About four years ago after having my second little boy, I was waffling a bit. I knew how to be a mother, and how much I loved staying home (I’d already been at it for three years with my first born). It takes a great deal of mettle to last as an at-home mom, and I had to work hard to find the right balance. I had what I always wanted, but after a couple of years I realized I was lacking in what I needed and didn’t know how to ask for it or get it. I couldn’t help to think of the future, and how much I didn’t want to be that woman. You know the one. The one who has a nervous breakdown when her children leave the nest because her life is all about them. The one in the stained turtleneck and too-short sweats because she spent too much on hockey gear for the little one. The one who everyone calls when they need something because she never says no. I became dead set against becoming HER. I needed to act quickly.

This was about the same time I joined Facebook. I bring this up because being an at-home mom is terribly isolating and Facebook lessened the feeling of isolation for me, tenfold. I had three moms groups, my family nearby, made the best friends of my life in this time, and it’s still haunting how alone you feel. Suddenly, I was able to communicate in real time with all sorts of friends & family: single, married, outside the US, across the street. There was also another significant thing that happened: I clearly remember filling out my profile and getting to Interests, Quotes, About Me. All of these empty boxes—a project!—what fun to fill out. But. <screeeech> Oh no. I had no idea what to put in them. I was stunned and saddened by this and instantly dedicated myself to filling out those godforsaken boxes.

From that point on, every time I thought or saw something that I loved or inspired me, I added it to the box when I logged in. Over the next year or so, I curated some killer lists that I was later told became a source of inspiration for others. I remember reading once that one shouldn’t go out and buy a set of furniture if you want a home that feels like yours. You should add things that you love piece by piece, as you stumble upon them, for that effect. I applied the same principle here. And that page became me.

As I scribbled these lists, I became increasingly aware of what I valued, kept writing things down when moved, sought out a couple of articles to read on defining values. I recalled when I was at my best and what factors were present then. I thought about which people made me feel good. I explored what kind of social situations I preferred. I observed my gut reactions to things. It was a sloppy, mismatched process that took about a month or two to feel like I had enough to work with. When I felt like I did, I then made a final list and edited it down to these six things:

Calm — good sleep, regular yoga, drama-free relationships, being organized, managing “noise”

Tradition — making things from scratch from my Grandmother’s recipes, carrying on special family practices, recalling my parents’ values and deciding which ones I would carry on

Honesty — honoring commitments, being on time, being kind & clear in difficult situations, clearly stating my needs

Happiness — simple, brilliant, child-like happiness: music, finding beauty, dancing (I love to dance), laughing, being curious, helping people succeed

Stability — well-managed finances, routines, stocked cupboards, feeling prepared, the basics

Community — solid and supportive friendships, working family relationships, donating time and funds selflessly to those who are struggling, spending money locally

There’s my list, in print. It feels good. These things all feed in to one another; are interconnected. Like fingers woven together. Once established, I thought it would be a good idea to fill my life with only things that fed these values until I felt like I had mastered them. I waver now and then and they’ve certainly been tested, but I’ve stuck to them. They’re sticky. And now I’m able to add things to see if they stick, too.

The best part: the results are clearly seen in my parenting, my work, my relationships, my posts, my connectedness every day. I get constant positive, constructive, helpful, honest feedback from people close to me and virtual strangers about what I put out there. I have the most exceptional, fluid relationships. I find that every one of these values can be put into a mirrored sentence and fully describe my life: I give honesty and I get honesty in return. I give calm attentiveness and I get calm attentiveness in return. I am happy and I make people happy… What could be better than that? It drives everything I do, and is wholly who I am.

So, maybe my answer isn’t the short and sweet pixie dust answer you wanted—I’m okay with that—because it is the long, honest, dedicated answer you needed.

You can use these as a starting point if you wish, but what I really hope is that you will fill in your own blanks. I sincerely can’t wait to hear what you find.

Photo credit: Elli Rader www.paperlily.net

And that the other client will be me.

It’s a simple enough idea, I don’t propose to be reinventing the wheel.  In my work, I create a nest around creative people so they may take steps to succeed and grow; so that they can see their name in lights.  My email signature says:   Supporting creative people so they can make a living doing what they love.  I thought: I’m creative. I’m doing what I love.  I’d like to continue on this path.  <Thoughtful pause; eyes light up> I’ll be my own client! <clapping> (Still in the car.)  I’ll set it up so the steps I need to take to grow my business responsibly and thoughtfully are scheduled instead of secondary (or tertiary, in most cases). No longer will I be the last thing on my list.

Operation “Be My Own Client” in full effect in 3…2….1.  Let’s see how it goes, shall we?

Image used with permission from http://sixwordstoryeveryday.blogspot.com/ (I am a huge fangirl of this project.)