When did we lose our ability to say no? We need to get it back. Quick like.
I’ll admit, I’d lost mine for a while there. I gained it back recently, in spades, while going through a life-changing year. I like to think the number of requests won’t lessen and also that saying no will allow someone else to say yes. Maybe? Hopefully. I’m also pretty sure that saying no ties in directly to defining your values; knowing what you want your story to be. I defined what I value recently, here’s an excerpt:
Calm — good sleep, regular yoga, drama-free relationships, being organized, managing “noise”
Tradition — making things from scratch from my Grandmother’s recipes, carrying on special family practices, recalling my parents’ values and deciding which ones I would carry on
Honesty — honoring commitments, being on time, being kind & clear in difficult situations, clearly stating my needs
Happiness — simple, brilliant, child-like happiness: music, finding beauty, dancing (I love to dance), laughing, being curious, helping people succeed
Stability — well-managed finances, routines, stocked cupboards, feeling prepared, the basics
Community — solid and supportive friendships, working family relationships, donating time and funds selflessly to those who are struggling, spending money locally
Making a list like this helps you say no because you know what to say yes to. It might be hard at first, so take a little time, make sure you feel comfy there. Learn how to do it gently. Stop, wait, take a moment if you need to, get back to the person. Also: reject the idea that you need a lengthy explanation. Be as brief as possible. Have you ever sat through a lengthy explanation; a break up talk; someone clearly lying? It’s the WORST. Let’s not do that anymore, okay? It’s amazing how, over time, you’ll see a decrease in requests for things you don’t want to do. It’s because you’ve shown people what you’re about, what you want in your life, and what you don’t. Clear as a bell.
Here’s the play-by-play:
1) Figure out what you want in your life story and say yes to it.
2) Say no to the other stuff. With brevity.
3) Have more time to do the things you want. And more happiness.
Simple, right? If something’s not for you, say so. I give you permission. Now give it to yourself.
Kate, I needed this. Thank you for passing on your secrets. I need to sit down and do your values exercise since I am in a time of great exploration and with such discovery can come an abundance of “noise” as you call it and it has been easy to lose focus.
Related to your comment about unwanted invitations stopping, I’m curious to know how I should handle this as someone who invites people to recurring activities/events. If someone declines, should I check in with them to see if they want to be invited to the future events/activities? It is sometimes hard to know if it didn’t work out the first time but that they’d be interested in the future events.
Thanks again, Kate!
Well said. The world would be a better place if everyone lived by similar priorities. Thanks for the reminder, Kate!
Yay! Good. I love that it spoke to you. I think in the case of your invites, that you should leave it in the court of the person being asked. Trust that they will do what they need to. So much can be gained from trusting the people in our lives more.
Thanks for your comments, Uta! I feel like a good number of us need a values shakedown. I did.
Brava! Agreed. In spades.
Thanks Erin!
I remember you saying to me once, some years ago, that you envied how I could ‘just say no’ to whatever I needed to say no to. I’ve come to the realization that I’m not the same exact person as I was years ago. However, your insight always leads me back toward the person I really am vs. the person I think I need to be. Thanks for the fulfilling reminder that we all should be who we are vs. who we feel we need to be. For me, that includes the word ‘no’. And, with grace, I shall use it.
Wow, I completely relate. Been having a very similar “waking up” experience with major epiphanies and moments of clarity the past few months after losing track of my needs and my ability to advocate for myself. I’ve been repeating to myself “jump into the life you want to live” over and over. It takes a lot of courage. I broke down what I need into three things: feeling independent, empowered, and connected to my community. Love your list of values too.
anyway, kudos! I kept getting the phrase “brain sparkles” stuck in my head recently and just now figured out it came from last time i checked out your site a few weeks ago. love it.
Robyn, Thank you for sharing your story. It does take courage and the more you leap the easier it becomes. I love that you remembered at got stuck on brain sparkles. So important! We’re only here for a finite amount of time.
I think this is a much needed article – especially for me! Learning to say “no” really is a matter of priorities, but I hate to let people down. I guess in the end it’s a matter of being just a bit more selfish – but in constructive ways, rather than waiting for the pressure to build and needing to go off and hide for a bit.
Thanks!
Right! The more you do it the easier it gets. And the more it sets your values clearly in place. Thanks for commenting!